Questions to ask after the affair has ended
When a partner is currently involved with an outside lover, they lie.
When active cheaters are asked reasonable questions, you cannot trust their answers since they are still involved in a coverup.
Only after the affair has ended is there the opportunity to get honest answers to your reasonable questions.
Honest answers to reasonable questions are a necessary part of infidelity recovery.
The three most important questions to ask after the affair has ended
You have found out your that partner has been cheating. The surviving infidelity journey has begun!
If as a couple you are to survive the infidelity and cheating, you need to ask the three important questions about the infidelity that has befallen you.
But are you ready?
After the affair is discovered there is emotional shock
When you first found out about the infidelity, your first reaction was that of emotional shock. From numbness to rage you have bounced back and forth stopping along the way at disbelieve, shock, anger, self-loathing, hatred and desperate love.
As you are dealing with infidelity, these feelings are normal.
You could have never prepared for your partner's betrayal. Even had you been suspicions, it could not have prepared you for what has actually happened.
What should you do after the affair has been discovered?
Nothing! That's right… do nothing. Because of your agitated state whatever you do, other than take care of yourself, will only make matters worse.
Coping with infidelity
Immediately after the affair, even talking to your partner about the infidelity can be a mistake. He or she will likely say something that will only make you feel worse. You need to give yourself a little time, wait until you are ready to hear what he or she has to say.
Yes, I know you are desperate to know details of what happened, and even more importantly, what is NOW happening. However, you probably are so agitated coping with the infidelity that you won't absorb what you are told about the infidelity.
Most importantly, don't make any decisions that will impact on your marriage or committed relationship or the future of your children, if you have any. This is not the time to quit your job, put the home up for sale or file for divorce.
Coping with infidelity will take all your strength and concentration and you don't want to deplete your efforts by creating distractions.
Surviving infidelity requires careful planning, moving step-by-step through this quagmire.
In fact, before you can even ponder how to move your life forward after the affair, you need to ask three essential questions that can establish a baseline to begin putting the pieces together and planning for your future.
After your mind has accepted what has happened, and you are somewhat calmer, you are ready to ask the 'three questions.'
You may already know part of the answer to some of the questions. However, it is necessary to ask again and hear the answers directly from your partner. Doing so establishes a baseline, a springboard to request more details at a later point. This will help you in your effort as you are dealing with the infidelity.
1.Who? Who is your paramour, your outside lover? Is he or she someone I know, or is he or she a complete strangers? How long have you known this person? Where did you meet? Is this person married? Does he or she have children? Does he or she know you are married?
2. What? What have you done with your paramour? Have you had sex? Where have you had sex? When did you do all this? What did you tell your outside lover about me? Did you make plans to leave me?
3. Why? Why did you allow yourself to become unfaithful? Why didn't you realize that you would mess up everyone's life by committing adultery? Why didn't you stop after the first few encounters? When answering this question, it may become apparent that there were problems in the relationship. This does not excuse having an affair, but if you and your partner choose to stay together, and have healed from the affair, it is necessary to deal with past relationship issues.
Try to ask these questions and listen to the answers calmly.
It may be helpful to take notes as your partner is speaking. Likely during this questioning you will be emotional and agitated, and you may not fully comprehend what you are hearing. If you take notes you can review them later to gain a fuller perspective and to evaluate what your next move should be.
Dealing with infidelity
Surviving infidelity is a process. It is not an event. It goes in stages. This first stage is a 'fact finding stage.' Part of this 'fact finding stage' is learning if there is the possibility that you may be exposes to sexually transmitted diseases. Once all the facts are out, you are laying the groundwork for making intelligent decisions that will impact upon the rest of your life, and if you have children, on their lives as well.
Often the assistance of a relationship professional who specializes in infidelity is required to help you survive infidelity. Below are sources where you can find qualified therapists.
The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
The Canadian Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Get the tools you need to survive infidelity:
About the author
Abe Kass, MA, RSW, RMFT, CCHT., is a Registered Social Worker, Registered Couple and Family Therapist, Certified Hypnotherapist, and award-winning Educator. He has a busy clinical practice in Toronto, Canada and throughout the world using the phone or Zoom.
After many years of clinical practice and research, Abe concluded that practical solutions requiring a focused effort of no more than a few minutes a day for very specific relationship problems were critically needed. GoSmartLife Publishing House has been created to fill this need.
50 Things to Ask for from Your Cheating Partner
You can’t shake the feeling once you’ve been cheated on. The disbelief; the shock; the devastation. The disorienting sensation that you don’t know what’s true—all compounded by a surreal realization that you don’t know who your partner is anymore.
It’s an entirely bewildering experience. You might start questioning your every move. Am I being too demanding? Too needy? Too understanding? Do you wonder what to say to your cheating husband? What to say to someone who cheated on you?
Even if your cheating partner is apologetic and wants to work on your relationship—your trust in your cheating partner is eradicated. Things cheaters say when confronted are heartbreaking. Things like “It wasn’t me. It was her/him.” “It didn’t mean anything.” “It was a moment of weakness.”
Snapping your fingers won’t bring the intimacy back, even if you desperately want to work it out with your cheating partner.
The good news is, this trust on your cheating partner can be rebuilt
It just needs to be rebuilt intentionally. Yet as that trust is earned, there are certain things you’re allowed asking. Here are 50 questions to ask your boyfriend or spouse after he cheated on you which are essential in not only rebuilding trust but also giving your relationship the fortitude to persevere in the future—stronger than ever.
Of course, things questions aren’t meant to be forever. Once you have been fully healed, you and your partner can renegotiate what boundaries are necessary for you to thrive again.
Questions to ask a cheating spouse
- You can ask for access to your cheating partner’s phone and email.
- You can ask for monthly phone records.
- You can ask for proof that the affair is over.
- You can ask for your cheating partner to tell you immediately when the affair partner makes contact—so you two can decide together if and how to respond.
- You can ask to use GPS location to know where your partner is—or to double check that they are where they say they are.
- You can ask your partner to send picture texts and short videos to prove they are where they say they are.
- You can ask your partner to delete social media accounts—especially if your partner carried on an affair via social media.
- You can ask your partner to “clean house” on social media, eliminating potential and perceived threats.
- You can ask your partner not to delete their web browser history.
- You can ask your partner not to empty their trash folder in their email accounts.
- You can ask your partner to access to financials: credit card, bank, and investment account statements.
- You can ask your partner to transfer assets into your name and/or create a joint bank account.
- You can ask your cheating partner to quit the club or membership that the affair partner belonged to.
- You can ask your partner to initiate conversations and provide information without being asked or you having to dig for it.
- You can ask your partner to move to another city with you.
- You can ask your partner to quit and find another job – if the affair happened at your S.O.’s current job.
- You can ask that your cheating partner and the affair partner limit contact to business only and your partner tells you when they had contact – if the affair partner is at your S.O.’s current job.
- You can ask that your partner avoids taking you to places they took the affair partner.
- You can ask to visit your partner at work.
- You can ask that your partner comes home immediately after work.
- You can ask for an accurate itinerary when your partner travels.
- You can ask that they limit work travel, or only make day trips, or limit overnight trips.
- You can ask that they call and text more often—just because.
- You can ask that they increase physical affection in non-sexual ways.
- You can ask that they initiate sex more frequently.
- You can ask that they spend more time in foreplay.
- You can ask that they make you feel that you are the only one for them.
- You can ask that they initiate and thoughtfully plans date nights.
- You can ask that they talk to you about their feelings.
- You can ask that they show interest in you—simply asking about your day or dreams.
- You can ask them to join you in your hobbies and activities and vice versa.
- You can ask for them to soothe you after you share your triggers.
- You can ask that they solve conflict directly instead of minimizing, shutting down, or withdrawing.
- You can ask that they go to individual and couples therapy to figure out why they did what they did—and to uncover all of the variables that lead to their decision to betray you.
- You can ask for a postnuptial agreement.
- You can ask for the truth from your cheating partner—even if it means hurting your feelings.
- You can ask for their full attention when you talk.
- You can ask that they read a self-help book with you.
- You can ask that they buy a new mattress or bedroom furniture, if your S.O. brought the affair partner into your home.
- You can ask for more verbal appreciation.
- You can ask that they decrease drinking if alcohol was a contributing factor to the affair.
- You can ask for a decrease in pornography use.
- You can ask that your cheating partner wear their wedding ring again—every day.
- You can ask that they write you notes or letters.
- You can ask that they decrease contact or give up a friendship—if the friend helped cover up your cheating partner’s cheating.
- You can ask that your cheating partner get checked for STIs and go to your doctor appointment with you.
- You can ask for them to tell you that they find you attractive.
- You can ask for them to tell you they love you—and why they love you.
- You can ask for them to answer all of your questions about the affair.
- You can ask for your cheating partner to show remorse for what they’ve done.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Anita A ChlipalaMarriage & Family Therapist
(Anita A is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Chicago)
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10 Important Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
O.k. Yes. I had an affair with her.
My husband couldnt look in my eyes when he finally admitted his 6-month affair with his co-worker.
I went completely silent for about 10 long seconds.
About 50 questions went through my mind, along with the shock, the rage, humiliation, and disbelief.
I didnt know you can feel so much and at such intensity in 10 seconds.
Before anything else, I felt I had to know every single detail about his affair. Right now.
What? When? Where? Who? Why?
The Five Ws are questions whose answers are considered basic in information-gathering. They are often mentioned in journalism (cf. news style), research, and police investigations.
They constitute a formula for getting the complete story on a subject.– Wikipedia
The 5 Ws were definitely my most urging questions, except for What?. I already knew what; it was more of a say what?? kind of thing.
Unlike many other cheating spouses, my husband chose to stay and answer every question I had.
She was someone I knew from his work. I liked her myself. His boss gave them a project they had to work on together.
This project had them spending a lot of time together.
They started going out to work-lunches, which turned to dinner-lunches and before he knew it, the work-talk turned to intimate talk.
They liked each other. They had a lot in common. They shared their life struggles and finally, they shared a bed too.
The more he told me, the more (unbelievable) pain I felt.
I knew that the more I knew the more upset I will be, but I couldnt stop asking more and more questions.
I Didnt Ask the Most IMPORTANT Questions.
It was only after I found the only resource that got me through this crisis that I realized:
I wasnt asking the right questions.
Sure, you have to know how it started, where, how many times, etc. Because it teaches you about intention. Theres a difference between an office romance and hooking up with prostitutes, right?
Then I learned about other, more important questions to ask a cheating husband.
These questions can make or break your marriage.
They will show you if theres a chance of surviving this, and they can help you start your healing journey the right way.
10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
1. What did you do with her that you never do with me?
2. How did you feel after the first time you slept with her?
3. What did you say to yourself to justify your actions?
4. Was it hard for you to keep lying to me about what you do and where you are?
5. What did she offer to you that I never did?
6. What did you tell her about us? Did you confide to her about our problems?
7. How did she make you feel when you were with her?
8. What do you feel for her?
9. Did you talk about a future together?
10. Would you leave me for her if she asked for it?
These 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, if answered honestly, will give you everything you need to know about how and where to go on from here.
They will show you whats missing in your relationship.
They will show you how and if he really regrets his betrayal. They will show you if he is being honest and if theres a chance you can trust him again.
They can help you prevent this from ever happening again.
Want to know the odds of him cheating again?
The Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater Infographic:
- Shows you the odds of cheating again for each of the 7 Types of Affairs
- Gives you clues that tip-off whether they will cheat again
- Offer strategies that lower the odds of cheating again
- Presents revised odds for cheating again after breaking free from the affair
If you want the infographic, which examines all 7 types of affairs, plus additional important information,Go Here.
What to Do If He Refuses to Answer
If your husband refuses to answer questions about his affair, its not because he doesnt care about your feelings.
Its because he knows that the answers will hurt your feelings and he doesnt want to hurt you more than he already did.
Control your anger and tell him that you need to have some information to start your healing process and that you know that you wont like the answers but you are well prepared for them.
If you tell him this in a calm manner, I believe hell open up and tell you almost everything you want to know.
Read: my husband left me for another woman can I get him back?
What MY Husband Answered
As a part of my online marriage counseling, I asked my husband each one of these questions.
I was heart-broken to find that he had real feelings for her. That they indeed playfully imagine a future together. That she supported his dreams and fantasies in a way that I didnt.
But I also realized how truly and honestly he regrets his affair.
I saw how much he was willing to do anything to make things right between us and prevent this from ever happening again.
I saw that he was doing his part in saving our marriage.
Warning: Read This Before Asking Him
These questions are risky.
You may get some information you dont really want to know or know how to handle. Remember, once you have this information, you can never give it back.
Before you ask your husband these questions, write them down in secret and hold on to them for a few days.
Consider if you really want to know the answers and imagine him answering them in a few ways.
Think about how you would feel and what youll do if he answered this or that. It will help you be prepared to hear and discover the truth about your marriage and your relationship.
How to Get the Trust Back After Infidelity
I always say it, and Ill say it again: Do not try to overcome his affair by yourself.
Having the right kind of advice, preferably in a simple step by step format, can be the difference between a restored and renewed marriage and a quick divorce.
And you cant wait a minute longer. More fruitless fights, accusations, distance, and fear are each another step towards divorce.
I recommend the free email series (and 5 marriage assessments) from marriage coach Mort Fertel to get the help you need right now.
For me, it has saved my marriage and helped us make it better than ever. I hope it does the same for you.
What do you think? What is the most important question to ask a cheating partner?
Rooting for ya,
Filed Under: Marriage Infidelity, Marriage ProblemsSours: https://how-to-save-marriage.org/questions-to-ask-a-cheating-husband/
Adultery Exposed: First of 10 Questions to Ask Your Spouse After Infidelity
Part 1 of a 2-Part After Infidelity Series
You’ve recently learned that your spouse committed adultery. Now what do you do? Your mind is reeling. You want answers – and you don’t. Do you really want to know? Can you even trust your husband or wife to answer truthfully, if they’ve been hiding so much from you and deceiving you for so long?
In her book, NOT “Just Friends,” Dr. Shirley P. Glass offers a list of ten questions you might work through when talking with your spouse about his or her affair. This article will address the first five questions; look for Part 2 in this series for the remaining questions on the list.
1) What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?In other words, “What motivated you to have an affair? What attracted you to this person? How did you excuse your relationship? Were you more worried about getting caught or about the consequences of being unfaithful?” Pinpointing the answers to these questions may help to identify what led your spouse to the affair and therefore, how to set up boundaries and hedges of protection to prevent a future recurrence.
The gradual development of an emotional relationship with a member of the opposite sex who is not your spouse is a common first step toward adultery – particularly if that relationship involves conversation about your own marriage problems. This is a big mistake. Sharing about your marital unhappiness or complaining about your spouse to a member of the opposite sex will lead that person to believe you’re not committed to your marriage. According to Dr. Glass, “Although women share deep feelings with lots of people, particularly other women, men are usually most comfortable sharing their feelings in a love relationship. As a result, when a relationship becomes emotionally intimate, men tend to sexualize it.” ()
Another common way unfaithful spouses expose their marriage is to allow themselves to be drawn to desirable characteristics or qualities they don’t see in their spouse. As a general rule, women do not commit adultery unless they are unhappy with their marriage relationship. They look at the lack of connectedness with their spouse and start to depend on someone else for emotional fulfillment and satisfaction.
A man may connect with a woman who shares certain interests, or he may bond with her because she allows him to fulfill a role he cannot fill for his wife. In her book, Dr. Glass gives the example of a man who had an affair with a colleague who had been raised in a poor family. Their relationship allowed him to play the “knight in shining armor” – taking her out to fancy restaurants and supporting her in ways her husband would not.
Sometimes the attraction is purely physical. Consider the account of King David and Bathsheba. The Bible doesn’t tell us much about David’s thought process between seeing Bathsheba taking a bath on the rooftop and sending someone to fetch her. It doesn’t seem as if there was any emotional connection between David and Bathsheba. He saw an attractive woman and used his political power to have sex with her.
Listening to your spouse talk about what attracted them to someone else will surely be a painful experience – but it can be fruitful and worthwhile. By understanding your partner’s vulnerable areas, you can seek to help him or her make changes that will steer clear of a similar episode in the future. As Dr. Glass explains, “When involved partners share their feelings on this level, they are letting their betrayed spouse inside their mind and reforging their bond.” () By allowing your spouse to articulate what when on in his or her thoughts leading up to the affair, you will actually strengthen your union in the long run.
2) Did you feel guilty after the first time you had sex?
The experience of guilt after a first extramarital sexual encounter can lead to a vast number of different reactions. Some people feel so guilty they break it off at once. Others attempt to rationalize or minimize their actions. For some, the guilt actually drives them back to their affair partner for another sexual encounter, as if a repeat experience could distract them from their sense of shame. ()
Asking your spouse about the guilt they may or may not have felt will reveal their level of integrity. Believe it or not, some people never feel guilty about committing adultery. Some immediately regret agreeing to extramarital sex. Others may feel guilty, but not enough to keep them away from the illicit relationship.
Hearing an honest answer from the unfaithful party will likely be painful, but it may also prove a necessary step toward recovery and reconciliation.
3) If you knew it was wrong, why did you let it go on for so long?
According to Dr. Glass, “Unfaithful spouses often appear addicted to being addicted to their lovers. They fail in their efforts to end the affair time and time again, pulled back by a magnetic force they can’t seem to resist. Only with great determination are they able to break the spell.” () The adrenaline rush, tension, and subterfuge that accompany infidelity can become addictive ingredients that are very hard to resist.
The desire to do something we know is wrong is an age old struggle, dating all the way back to creation and the Garden of Eden. In Romans 7, the Apostle Paul articulates the struggle like this: “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing” (Romans b). Going back to David and Bathsheba, David knew that what he was doing was wrong – and yet he still did it. Then in desperation to cover his guilt, he went on to organize the murder of Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband. Obviously, David was not thinking about the lasting consequences when he saw Bathsheba bathing and sent for her. He let his desire rule over him, and he was defeated by the power of temptation and sin.
In some instances, extramarital affairs begin for one reason, but carry on for a different reason altogether. For example, some begin as casual friendships but gradually grow into a powerful emotional bond. Others stem from an emotional connection but are sustained by the sexual aspect. Sometimes they are caused by a spouse feeling desperate during a low point in the marriage but continue after their marriage improves because the affair has taken on a life of its own. ()
Another question to consider is “What ended the affair?” It takes time for the involved spouse to get over their relationship with their affair partner. They will likely mourn over it as would anyone who has had to break up with someone they cared about. This process will differ depending on whether they ended it on their own, or when they got caught. “If the affair ended abruptly, the attachment will be harder to break than if the affair died a natural death. It’s easier to put a relationship behind you if you’re the one who made the decision to leave.” ()
Maintain open communication with your spouse and allow the process to go through the necessary stages.
4) Did you think about me at all?
Glass cited a study that revealed, “87 percent of involved partners think of their lover while with their spouse, but only 47 percent ever think of their spouse while with their lover.” This contradicts the betrayed spouse’s assumption that their spouse thought about the implications to their marriage while they were cheating. “If the unfaithful partner had been thinking about the betrayed partner, he or she wouldn’t have gotten so involved in the first place. The act of infidelity is not about the person who was betrayed – it is about the person who did the betraying.” ()
Given the potentially hurtful answer, you may receive, give careful consideration to whether you really want to hear a truthful response to this question. And if the truth hurts – be encouraged by the fact that you are not alone.
5) What did you say about our marriage?
Many affairs stem from an unhappy spouse finding a sympathetic listener for their marriage complaints. Understandably, after the affair ends, the betrayed partner wants to know how much their spouse shared with their affair partner. Discussing what was shared helps determine the emotional intimacy of the affair and address any loyalty issues within the marriage relationship.
However, not all affairs begin from the foundation of an unhappy marriage. While some spouses may divulge weaknesses to their affair partner, others don’t go there. While it sounds backward, some may even commend their spouse and marriage to their affair partner. Others manage to compartmentalize both relationships. They may refuse to talk about their marriage with their affair partner in an attempt to “honor” the relationship.
“In any case, if you are the unfaithful partner, it’s important for you to talk to your spouse about real problems in the marriage that you’ve discussed only with your affair partner.” ()
Christian Counseling Extramarital Affair Recovery
Talking about an affair is difficult, which is why so many couples avoid it and inevitably make more trouble for themselves. However, refusing to discuss an affair is like keeping garbage in a box under your sink and never throwing it out. The box is insufficient to mask the entire odor. Eventually, something is going to knock over the box and leave a nasty mess in your kitchen. Dr. Glass’ questions provide a helpful starting point, but the best source of guidance is a professional Christian marriage counselor. They can cater the approach and action plan to your personal situation and marriage. A professional Christian counselor in Spokane will help you understand what caused the affair, guide you through the repair process, and teach you how to prevent future infidelity.
This article refers to the book, “NOT ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D with Jean Coppock Staeheli
Conversation On a Bench, courtesy of Clem Onojeghuo, unsplash.com, CC0 Public Domain License; Getting Together, pixabay.com, pexels CC0 Public Domain License; Look to the Future, courtesy of Alex Jodoin, unsplash.com, CC0 Public Domain License;
To ask after infidelity questions
10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
It can be devastating to find out when a spouse cheats, and if you are in this situation, you probably have so many unanswered questions.
Knowing details of infidelity that occurs over the course of a marriage may help you to move forward and make decisions about how you will proceed with your cheating spouse.
The following 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spousecan help you to get some of the answers that you need.
10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse
The following questions to ask after an affaircan provide ideas for what tosay when someone cheats on you.
In some ways, the answers to these questions can help youget closure after being cheated on but be prepared for the fact that some answers may upset you since it can be hurtful to learn of the details of your partner’s betrayal.
Consider the following 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. These questions will help you start a talk about marriage infidelity:
1. What did you tell yourself to permit yourself to do this?
Finding out how your partner rationalized the affair can give you insights into what made them okay with being unfaithful and what they told themselves to grant permission to step outside the marriage.
Perhaps your partner rationalizes the behavior based upon something that was missing in the marriage. In this case, knowing what was missing can help you create a plan to move forward and avoid future betrayals.
On the other hand, perhaps your partner felt entitled to have an affair and didn’t think much about it. If this is the case, it may be that faithfulness and monogamy is not important to him or her, which is also important to know.
When your man cheats, or you are thinking of what to ask your cheating wife, permission is an important topic to consider since research suggests that people do use strategies to give themselves permission to have an affair.
2. Did you feel guilty after you had sex with your affair partner?
Another one of the questions to ask a cheater is if they felt guilty after having sex with someone else. If they didn’t feel guilty, it could be that they have different views about monogamy than you do.
It is also possible that they do not view sexual affairs as being problematic. For example, some people may have affairs to meet their sexual needs, which can open up a discussion about what might be missing sexually from your relationship.
Whether a person feels guilty after having sex may depend upon their gender. For example, a recent study found that men are more likely to be upset about their partners having sexual affairs, whereas women are more likely to be upset by emotional affairs in which their partner falls in love with someone else.
It is worth noting that this finding applied to heterosexual men and women but not to people who identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. So, this is one of the very important questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
3. Is this the first time this has happened, or have there been other opportunities or occasions for an affair?
This indeed is one of the crucial questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
Admitting to an affair that happened in the past may be difficult for your partner and painful for you to hear about, but knowing the answer to this can help you determine whether the affair was a one-time incident or something that happened before.
If this isn’t the first affair and your partner has consistently had a wandering eye, it is time to figure out why this is happening and whether the relationship can be saved.
4. What did you tell him or her about us?
Among thequestions to ask a cheating spouseiswhat they told the affair partner about their marriage. Perhaps they told the partner the two of you were getting divorced in order to make the partner feel less guilty about the relationship.
Or, maybe they shared problems that you were experiencing in the marriage, which could point to issues that you and your spouse need to resolve if you wish to stay together.
5. Did you talk about a future together?
This is another important question to ask your unfaithful spouse after infidelity.
It can give you information about what the affair meant to your spouse and if perhaps he or she is fantasizing about starting over again.Related Reading:What Constitutes Infidelity in Marriage?
6. What did your affair partner offer you that was missing in our marriage?
Confession questions to ask a guy or girl who has cheated include those that explore what the person got out of the affair. Was their affair partner more willing to try new sexual things together? Did the partner offer a nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on?
Knowing what your spouse got out of the affair that was missing in your marriage can help you to identify what it is that needs to occur differently in the marriage to make it successful.
7. How did you act differently during the affair than you do at home with me?
Sometimes, a person turns to an affair because they feel they have lost themselves in their marriage. Maybe your husband is always expected to be dominant and rational at home, but the affair offered him an opportunity to be carefree and youthful again.
If you are aware of this discrepancy between how your partner acted during the affair and how they act at home, you may be able to give them the opportunity to try out new roles at home in order to have their needs better met within the context of the marriage.
So, do not ignore this question to ask your unfaithful spouse.
8. Did you think of me when you were with the affair partner?
This is among the 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse because it can give you an idea of what was going on in your partner’s head when they were with the other person.
Take comfort in knowing that oftentimes, an affair is not about you but rather about the unfaithful spouse’s needs.
In many cases, the cheating husband or wife is not thinking about you at all but rather wrapped up in the secrecy and excitement of the affair.
9. Do you want to leave me to be with this person?
If you are wondering what you say to a cheating husband or wife, it is important that you express to your spouse your desire to know what their intentions are.
It is, therefore, necessary that you ask whether they intend to leave the marriage to be with the affair partner. The answer to this question is important because it can give you an idea of whether your partner intends to save the marriage or not.
How long did the affair last?
When you catch your partner in an affair, you will also probably want to know how long it lasted. If it was a short fling or a one-time mistake, the chances are that your partner feels guilty, and the relationship is salvageable.
On the other hand, if it was a longer-lasting affair, this suggests that your spouse was okay with having a lasting relationship with another person, which warrants a serious discussion about what made them okay with doing this and how they stopped themselves from feeling guilty about it.Related Reading: Why Do People Cheat in Relationships?
What if my spouse refuses to answer my questions?
In some cases, when a spouse cheats, they may refuse to answer your questions about the affair. Often, this can be an attempt to protect your feelings because knowing details of infidelity may hurt you more than you realize.
You can deal with this scenario by calmly explaining to your partner that you know the answers to your questions may upset you, but you need some information in order to move forward from the affair.
If your spouse is interested in saving the marriage, they will likely comply with this request after an honest conversation.
What if your spouse lies?
There is also a chance that your spouse may lie about an affair.
Perhaps you know that an affair has occurred, but your spouse continues to deny it when you try to address it through these 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
If your spouse is silent when confronted with the affair or questions about it, or there are long pauses in the conversation, this suggests that he or she may be lying.
When you ask a married man who is cheatingor ask your cheating wife questions about the affair, or confront them about the affair, lying is certainly a possibility.
If your spouse lies, you might consider confronting them with the evidence that you have of the affair. If they become angry or minimize your concerns, this is suggestive of them having something to hide.
Ultimately, you cannot force your partner to be honest, but if they are interested in saving the marriage, they should come clean.Related Reading: How To Deal With A Cheater?
Finding that your husband or wife has been unfaithful is devastating, but you likely have several questions.
These 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spousecan help you to have a conversation to get to the bottom of the affair and decide whether your marriage is salvageable.
Keep in mind that even if the answers to these questions provide useful information, it may be hurtful to learn about the details of your partner’s betrayal.
You and your partner may need to seek counseling, both individually and separately, to help you overcome the trauma of an affair.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Jenni JacobsenLicensed Clinical Social Worker
Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise.
Questions to Ask A Cheater
Betrayal is a traumatic experience.
The first reaction is that of storming out (for ever), attacking our partner or self-harming.
Resist all of them.
Much better is to get to the bottom of what happened, so that you can make the best possible decisions.
The following 10 questions are not random.
They are basead on the work of relationship and infidelity researcher Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, the best book on infidelity.
These questions will help you get to the bottom of the infidelity and help you decide whether or not you should stay in the relationship.
#1. How did you give yourself permission?
Ask them what did they tell themselves.
With this question, you want to gain deeper insights into his morals and values.
If they didnt think much, or if they never thought it was wrong, they value monogamy and fidelity very little.
Its also possible that they value you very little, or that they simply value people in general very little (also check: are you dating a sociopath?).
#2. Did you feel guilty after sex?
Similar as the above, but focused on sex.
If they deny or they seem insencere, you might have very different approaches towards sex and extramarital affairs.
Or you might have very different moral standards.
It doesnt necessarily mean they are bad.
Some people simply grew up in families were cheating is normal, and that influenced their approach to monogamy.
Still, its something to keep in mind if full monogamy is very important for you.
#3. What about previous opportunities? Have you had any, did you think of any?
Ask them if they had previous opportunities for infidelity and, if so, how was this different.
You want to understand if your partner is constantly scanning for opportunities or if it was a one off. It might be the case your partner has had more than one affair, or that he might do it again if its simply a matter of opportunity.
Or it might be that this affair just grew out of weaknesses from your marriage.
Your Opportunity of Developing a Better Relationship
Pay attention here: if your partner says that there is a better connection with the new partner, it might be the case that the new partner listens and supports them better.
I know its hard to admit it right now.
But this is an opportunity for you: if you learn to support and listen, then this is a chance to make your relationship better.
See an example of this type of emotional infidelity from Jack Nicholson:
Typical example of falling hard for the first woman who happens to truly listen to a man.
#4. Why did it last if you knew it was wrong?
Most partner will not answer they didnt think much of, and will admit to at least a little bit of guilt.
This question explores whether or not the guilt recedes.
Its important to know because people react in different ways to ongoing sense of guilt.
- Suffer continuously and eventually end the affair
- Get used to it and the guilt recedes (or the involvement increases)
- Build mental models that allow them to suppress guilt
You want to know about this because among those mental models is painting the relationship and the betrayed partner as undeserving.
This is something you need to fix if you want to heal your relationship after a betrayal.
#5. Did you think about me at all?
This is likely to be painful.
The betrayed partners often see themselves as central elements in the affair. But often the unfaithful partner didnt think much of the betrayed partner.
If the unfaithful partner got emotionally involved, it will be even more painful to know that they think of their affair partner when at home but think little of their spouse when with the affair partner.
Part of the reason is because of the secrecy.
Secrecy and thought suppression increases the attraction of the affair partner and (The Link Between Thought Suppression and Level of Arousal, Debbie Layton-Tholl).
This is one of the reasons why honest communication is crucial to move on and heal.
#6. What did you say about us?
An affair is devastating because it drives a human wedge between the couple.
With this question you want to understand how close the two were and how far off you had drifted.
This question also helps demolish the wall between you two and start getting close again.
Thats key to heal. If you want to heal you need to rebuild the togetherness and to make the affair partner the one on the outside.
Opening up with the spouse and cutting the affair partner out is the best way to do so.
#7. Did you talk about a future together?
This one will tell you a lot about how deep their passion and romance ran.
If their affair was deeply emotional, its possible the two of them were planning to escape, elope and build a new life.
It will be extremely painful to hear, but dont overplay the significance of their plans: often its just the kid insight of the adult that dreams of a different life.
It doesnt mean they wanted to escape from you, its just a psychological infant within them who longs of going back in time. Back to teenager-dating and restarting life.
Its still maddening, I know, but few people are % adults, % mature.
Since it can be painful to hear the answer to this one, you can consider leaving it for later on, when the traumatic shock has started to taper off.
#8. What did you see in the affair partner?
This goes at the core of the personality traits.
Often affair partners are very different from the spouse or from the unfaithful partner.
For the cheater, the difference is exhilarating in the short run, but in the long run it would get annoying (divorce rate of unfaithful partner with affair partner are the highest).
But few have the foresight to understand that.
#9. How were you different in the affair?
The answer to this question is very important to understand the weaknesses of your marriage.
Its possible the unfaithful partner was attracted to new roles, or newly found feelings.
For example, a strict and rational man at home, he might enjoy being a free spirit with the affair partner.
When you know what it was, you can expand your personal roles and try on new personas within the relationship.
# Did you have unprotected sex?
And get ready to get tested.
Its certainly possible.
But the way they behave will tell you a lot about the truth.
Lingering silences, pauses and half-sentences will let you know that there is much more that they dont have the courage to say.
Big shows of denying and minizing might suggest your spouse is the kind of person who does not respect truth and honesty.
And on the other hand, strong, unexpected and hard to swallow revelations can be seen in a positive light: your spouse might have cheated. but at least is honest and forthcoming.
Cheating is cheating.
But an honest confession after cheating, in my opinion, gives a lot of points back to your unfaithful spouse.
If you are interested in at least exploring the possibility of remaining together, I highly recommend this article:
Second, its also good to explore the overall health of your relationship, as that will tell you a lot about whether its worth the work or not.
Check out this article:
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10 Questions to Ask After an Affair for a Christian Marriage to Recover (part 2)
By Benjamin Deu, MA, LMHC, Seattle Christian Counseling
References “NOT ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D with Jean Coppock StaeheliHow do you begin when asking your spouse about their affair? You are probably bursting with questions, but also with uncertainty about whether you really want to know the answers. You might doubt whether you can trust their answers after so many lies. Infidelity expert Dr. Shirley P. Glass prescribes 10 questions to help couples working through an affair organize their discussions. This article covers questions Questions were covered in 10 Questions to Ask After an Affair for a Christian Marriage to Recover (part 1).
6. “Did you talk about love or a future together?”
When talking about emotions during an affair, it is essential the involved partner is completely honest, and the betrayed partner suspend their assumptions about the nature of the affair relationship. When a spouse finds out their mate has been unfaithful, their imagination goes into overdrive envisioning what their mate did with their partner and how they felt about them. Honest answers from their spouse are the only way to find out what actually happened. The involved spouse also needs to guard against glossing over aspects of the relationship in an attempt to cover up, or protect, their spouse’s feelings. It only makes things worse if the betrayed spouse finds out about their dishonesty later.
“If you are the betrayed partner, make a strong effort to hear the story without filtering it through your own subjective lens. Infidelity does occur without falling in love. You must be open to versions that vary from your belief system unless you have valid evidence that you are getting a watered-down rendition.” () In parallel, the involved spouse must be honest about whether they were in love with their affair partner. If you two fantasized about running away to be together, admit it. Your spouse needs to know the truth, so they can get away from the painful, grandiose imaginings they have built up in their mind.
7. “What did you see in the affair partner?”
Because of the euphoria of affairs, and because their artificial nature protects them from the difficulties or normal relationships, the unfaithful partner often has an unrealistically rosy view of their affair partner. Discussing what attracted the involved partner to them can help humanize them. It does the same in the eyes of the betrayed spouse, who often struggles between “glorifying the lover as an incomparable rival and disparaging him or her as a despicable human being.” ()
This discussion also sets the betrayed partner straight about their spouse’s complicity in the affair. Glass says spouses often blame the seductive powers of the affair partner because it is too painful to acknowledge that their mate chose to cheat. “Involved partners must recount the ways they encouraged the affair and invested energy to keep it going. It is less likely that an infidelity will happen again when the involved partner owns up to having been a full participant.” ()
Continuing the example used in 10 Questions to Ask After an Affair for a Christian Marriage to Recover (part 1), no one forced David to bring Bathsheba into his home. Some may bring up how irresistible she must have looked bathing on the roof, but it was not as simple as him seeing her and sleeping with her. He had to find out who she was, and then send someone to get her. Spouses who stray may sometimes need some persuasion, but they ultimately make the decision for themselves.
8. “What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?”
An affair can be similar to moving away for college in that it allows you to duck away from everyone’s expectations about you. The familiarity of long-term relationships often hems spouses in with expected behavior and typecasting. An affair frees you to be a different version of yourself. “A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies.” () Talk about what the involved partner discovered about him or herself during the affair that they would live to introduce to the marriage.
9. “Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?”
The only way to heal after an affair is to remove every cancerous cell of adultery. It is excruciating, but you must address everything. Betrayed partners who refuse to confront their partner’s infidelity send the message that it was not a big deal to them, and future indiscretions will be treated with the same indifference.
“This is an opportunity to examine any patterns of infidelity or near misses that may be relevant to how this affair unfolded.” () Affairs begin for many reasons. Some are spontaneous, alcohol-fueled one-night-stands the spouse regrets before they’re over. Others are ignited by a friendship found outside the ashes of a dead marriage. Knowing what kind of affair this was reveals which lines the involved partner is vulnerable to crossing.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm NIV) You must acknowledge how you have compromised your marriage to have any hope of repairing and strengthening it. As this Psalm reminds us, the only way to purge sin is to identify it. You will never achieve God’s design for marriage if you insist on keeping hold of sinful habits.
If this is not the first affair, “Ask how this infidelity is different from or the same as the others. Were there earlier experiences that were ‘only oral sex’ or ‘sex without love’ or ‘love without sex?’” ()
“Did you have unprotected sex?”
An alarming number of people involved in affairs do not use protection. Glass cites a National AIDS Behavioral Study of unfaithful spouses 18 to 49 that found 60 to 64 percent did not use condoms with their extramarital partner. Some assume someone like their affair partner could never have an STD. Others take the naïve romantic route and say they were overwhelmed by their feelings, and did not want their sexual encounters to seem planned.
“Regardless of protestations, both spouses should be tested for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Willingness to submit to the humbling medical exams and tests is an act of consideration and accountability by the involved partner that will remove another obstacle to resuming safe marital sex.” ()
Christian Counseling for talking about an Affair
Talking about an affair is difficult which is why so many couples avoid it and only make more trouble for themselves. Glass’ questions provide a helpful jumping off point, but the best source of guidance is a professional Christian marriage counselor. They can personalize their approach to your marriage. A professional Christian counselor will help you understand what caused the affair, guide you through the repair process, and teach you how to prevent future infidelity.
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